Parenting

Parenting is/will be one of, if not the most important roles and purposes we have on earth. It is our responsibility to raise our children to the best of our ability. It is important to raise our children with love and concern, but it is equally important to not shelter them too much.

                The most important thing we can do as a parent is to make our child feel loved. They need physical and emotion contact. They also need to feel a sense of belonging. If they do not receive these things, then they may seek undue attention from others. Often, they may be frustrating for others to handle and their behavior can get out of control. Later, as teenagers and adults, they could get into bad relationships to fulfill their desire for closeness because the parents lacked to give them contact. Parents can approach their children in certain ways to avoid their children seeking attention. They can give contact freely. Don’t hold back hugs or cuddles. Give them hugs and make eye contact with them. They can also teach them to contribute.

                It is important that parents are always providing support and encouragement to their children. They should support them in the good things they do and the desires they have. We should always encourage our children to finish things out, try their best, and get back up when they fail. When problems arise with a child, a parent should have problem handling conversations with that child. They should discuss with the child how to handle the problem. Let the child have room to speak and put their input. They should also be trying to figure out ways to handle their problem. As a parent, you are there to guide them in the right direction. When a child keeps making a bad choice repeatedly, the parent should start out with a polite request. Let the child know that it should be done. If that doesn’t work, then follow up with and “I” message. This will help them to understand why it’s bothering you and why it needs to be done. This should still be a respectful conversation. If they still aren’t doing what they should be, then follow up with a firmer statement. This should be firm and direct, but still respectful. It is never okay to be disrespectful to our children. If the firmer statement doesn’t work, then a logical consequence should occur.

                Logical consequences are consequences that are logically connected to the action, discussed in advance with the child and should be an if/then statement… “if you don’t do what you should be, then this is what will happen.”.  Parents should also allow natural consequences to happen. Natural consequences and logical consequences are connected. They should both make sense to the child. These are different from punishments where the consequence is set up by a parent that has nothing to do with their actions. For example, it would be taking away the child’s phone for not being home on time. Parents should never punish their children. They may get confused as to why that is a consequence and it will not make sense to them. They will not make a connection between the action and punishment, so they won’t learn anything. Natural consequences may be that if they don’t fill up their car with gas one night and must go to school the next day, but don’t have enough gas to drive, then they must ride the bus. Parents should not bail them out of these natural consequences by letting the child take their car to school. If we protect them from natural consequences, then they will never learn a lesson and they will always think that they have something to fall back on. However, there are times when parents should let the natural consequences happen to their child because they are too dangerous, too far in the future to teach a lesson, or if someone else is affected by it.

                Parenting can be difficult. It takes a lot of love and patience for the children. However, if you are willing to offer the child all the love you can give them and follow a few guidelines, many people have the potential to raise amazing children. Parents can learn a lot through their experiences and their children and it is a great blessing that we have the opportunity to raise some of God’s children.

Family Finances

As we know, the roles of a father and a mother are different. However, they work together to make the best situation for their family. Generally, fathers are off at work, so they can provide financially for the family while the mother is at home taking care of the kids at the house. When we think of a father’s contribution to a family people think of things such as: off at work, a genetic contribution, fills in what mom can’t do, and they preside, provide, and protect.

                Men know that when they become a husband and a father, that their role is to provide for the family. They know that they are supposed to get a job and provide the finances for the family. Women, however, can either be a stay at home mother or can work part or even full-time. This can be confusing for some women. Some women don’t know whether it is worth it to go to college to get a further education. There are both benefits and costs to a woman going to college to receive a degree.

                There are many benefits when women go to college and get a degree. They will have a decent job that they will be able to fall back on that pays decent money if they have a degree in case their husband loses his job or in case of a divorce. They would be able to step up for the family to provide financially for them in a time of need. Another benefit is accomplishing something. The feeling of success is huge, and they won’t feel regret later for not going to school if something happens to the father and his job. The mother receiving a college degree can also help the children in the family. It can set an example for children to work hard and that anybody can do anything if they set their mind on it. They will also be able to be able to help children more sufficiently with homework from school and it lets the mother have social connections while she is both in school and working at her job that going to school allowed her to have.

                There are also some costs with women going to college if they have a family. A major one would be student debt. Student debt can take a long time to pay off and cause the family more financial struggles in the long run, even if she were to get a job to help pay off. Also, when a mother works, it affects the children in the family and can put a major strain on the family dynamic. A woman’s college education may also delay children which can also result in having fewer children. It may be an excuse to not have children until they finish school. Family should always come first over everything. Putting a woman’s education before having children and creating a family can have negative effects.

                If a mother chooses to work while the father is also working there can be costs of dual incomes. Some of these include the parent’s availability. The parents will be less available and attentive to their children. The standard of living for the family may also go up while they have extra income and the family may expect more and more. There also may be a desire to delay children because the couple likes having the money they make and using it how they want.

                The world tells us that in order to strengthen a family, we should delay it and in order to be in a better economic situation, we should spend money. Sometimes we let the world tell us how to get places and how to do things, but we forget that we have a God who will take us there and show us how to do it.

Family Counsel

Family counsel is an essential part in strengthening the communication between the family members. It is the best way to solve family issues without causing contention or arguments between people in the family. There are five things that M. Russell Ballard says in his talk “Strength in Counsel” that are important to focus on in family counsel.

                The first is focus on fundamentals. The fundamentals are: praying, reading the scriptures, preparing lessons for family home evening then making time for it, using the Spirit as your guide in your family’s decisions. It is important that the parents of the home are using appropriate curriculum to teach their children that is safe and not questionable. Using the words of the prophets and the scriptures is always a good way to teach the children. The world is filled with conflict and contention, so your home should be a safe place for your children to learn, grow and learn of the truth of the gospel which will bring peace and joy into the home.

                Second is to focus on people. Do not only focus your family counsel meetings on organizing everyone’s plans on the calendar. Focus the time on the members of the family. Family counsels should be a place where you can trust your family to keep what you will share to themselves and not share it with friends or other extended family members. You should be able to rely on family members and tell them things you might be struggling with. Talk to the individual members of the family and see what their needs are and what their struggles are.

                Third is to promote free and open expression. Every family member should be heard equally in a family counsel. The parents should not talk any more than the children talk. Nobody should talk over another member of the family. When someone else is talking and expressing their opinions, the other members of the family should be listening to them. Every opinion should be heard, valued and considered. It is important to make enough time for a family counsel meeting to be able to do this. There should be enough time to organize schedules, talk about individual needs, what could improve in the home, and issues the family is dealing with together.

The fourth says that participation is a privilege. Each family member should go into the family counsel meeting prepared to discuss their needs and concerns. Every decision made in the family should be made together. Everyone should agree on the decision and how it will affect the family. Everyone should feel important and like they have been heard and that their concerns are valid to the other members of the family.

The fifth is to lead with love. Family counsel should not create any contention between the people in the family. It should be filled with love and concern for one another. There shouldn’t be arguing, there should be talking calmly to one another to figure things out and solve family issues. Nobody should tell another that they are wiser and older, so they should make the decision. Every person’s individual opinion should be heard and thought about and discussed. Family counsel meetings should not be a time to dread attending but enjoy going to and feeling the love between your family members. It should be a time of feeling love and concern for your parents, siblings and children.

Family counsel is a great way to strengthen a family and help them make wise decisions that everyone can be a part of. They create love, unity and trust within the family. It is important to let the Lord lead the meetings. Prayer should play a big role in making family decisions. Counsel with each other but make sure the family is also counseling with the Lord because he wants the family to succeed and will always know what is best for the family.

Coping With Family Stress and Crisis

There is a difference between stress and distress. Stress creates pressure and can be good. Stress can motivate a person to get things done and become better and feel accomplished. Distress creates pain. There is so much stress that it puts you in to distress and is a big burden for you and those around you. The human body is made to deal with stress. In the brain, there is a limbic system. It recognizes when there is a threat or danger and puts your body into auto pilot, fight or flight. It is a very emotional part of your brain and once your brain is in this stage, it shuts down the frontal lobe which is the creative, problem solving part of the brain. This can be good in some situations because if you are in danger, you don’t need to be thinking about what you’re going to do on vacation. However, if you are in distress, your brain switches to the limbic system which shuts off problem solving. Therefore, it is so important to redefine stress, so you don’t get into distress.

                We can be in charge of our brain. We can tell our brain what to do. There is no action that didn’t first start with a thought. If we choose to have positive thoughts, our brain will have positive actions. Instead of thinking of stress as the worst thing that could ever happen to us, we can think of it positively in a way where we know it motivates us to get things done. There is something called the ABCX model. A is the actual event which is the stressor. B is both the resources and responses. This is the management of the stress. Resources could include the church, family, money, insurance, etc. C is the cognitive or the family’s definition of the even. X is the experience or the crisis. There is a difference between a stressor and a crisis. With a stressor, the family dynamic may change, but it will return to the original dynamic after the stressor is gone. In a crisis, the family dynamic will change and many times it never returns to the original. However, with either a stressor or a crisis, we can choose how to view it.

                When there is a stressor or crisis, but mostly with a crisis there is denial. We many times deny that anything is changing or happening. However, if we want to deal with the crisis in a healthy way, it is important to recognize that there is a problem. That is the first step in any situation. Recognize that something is wrong because if you don’t think there is a problem, there is not going to be any action to fix it. Next is avoidance. Admitting is not going to be enough to start a healing process in a crisis. A short-term avoidance can be a good thing at times. It can help people to think about what is going on and help them collect resources they need before having to deal with the problem. However, long-term avoidance will not be good. It can create more problems than the one you already are refusing to deal with. Scapegoating is another problem when people try to deal with problems. Although it is a step above denial, it is still a very unhealthy approach in dealing with a family crisis. Scapegoating is when the person dealing with a crisis look for someone to blame. Instead of always blaming others for what happened, you could be a lot more effective in looking at yourself to see what you could do better to deal with the problem. When in a crisis, it can be very helpful to re-frame or redefine the problem. This means changing the way you are looking at the situation.

                When bad things happen to us or our family, it can suck. However, it is our choice to be viewing it that way and that is not healthy or effective. We can choose to have a positive outlook and see how things could get better. We can use our resources effectively to help the situation become better. It is as simple as becoming aware of our emotions. Once we become aware of them, we can write them down and choose a way to become more positive. If we tell ourselves positive things instead of only looking at the negatives of the situation, we can deal with the crisis much better.

Sexual Intimacy

Trust and loyalty are essential in a marriage. It is so important to create strong boundaries once you are marriage between families, friends, and co-workers. When married, there should not even be an appearance of infidelity. Even if there are no ill intentions behind being with people of the opposite gender, if you feel people are giving you a second look because you are with someone, you should not be with them. The moment you get married, all your friendships with the opposite gender should be broken off. There should not be lunch outings with the opposite sex who isn’t your spouse after you are married. If your spouse doesn’t feel something is right, then it is not right. If your spouse says that you are spending too much time with your opposite gender then, even if you love your spouse with your whole heart and have no feelings towards this other person, you are spending too much time with them. If it makes your spouse feel uncomfortable, then it should feel wrong to you and you should do your best to change that habit. You should never visit someone of the opposite gender by yourself. You should always take your spouse with you. Make it known by everyone that you love your spouse and that you are faithful to them and always will be. This helps to avoid affairs and helps to stay loyal to your spouse.

                Sexual Intimacy is a topic that is avoided by many people, but it is important to be aware of because it has a significant role in a marriage. This builds more trust in a relationship and trust is a crucial thing to have in a marriage. It is special to save yourself for one person who you truly love. It will create a special bond in the marriage. Sexual Intimacy means trusting someone else with your body which is a sacred and precious act. It is so important to make children aware of sex at a young age. We, as adults, should talk to our children about it and inform them of how special and sacred it is. We should also inform them about the safety precautions they should take and help them be aware of the dangers of things that can happen if they become sexually active.

                It is important to be open in talking to your children about this topic so that they will be willing to come to you when they have questions or become curious. They should feel safe and okay talking to you about things they have done or their curiosities with this topic. It is important to know who else is teaching them about the topic, so we can know where else they are getting information and what kind of standards the people teaching them hold. We should make sure that they are getting correct information from other people and clarify with them when we know they may be learning other things from other people.

                Sexual Intimacy is not just about sex. It includes hugging, hand holding, and kissing as well. It means letting a person into your personal space. You are letting yourself be vulnerable with them and are trusting the other person with you and trusting that they won’t take advantage of that. It is important to know each other’s intentions with this. Women want to feel close and warm with the man first, then will do it because she feels a warmth in the relationship. Men do it to feel warm and close. These are different, so it is important to know that, so it does not create contention and know that it is natural for the other to be that way. Sexual intimacy can create a lot of communication, knowledge, love, and openness in a relationship.  Therefore, physical intimacy has the potential to build a lot of trust if we don’t abuse it.

Adjustments from Engagement to Marriage

What are the tasks in an engagement?

                The time between engagement and the wedding day is very important to a relationship. This is the time in which a couple plans a wedding/reception, gets a marriage license, and plans a marriage. These things are important, not only for the wedding day, but for the rest of their lives. When a couple is planning their wedding and reception while engaged, it is most likely going to be the first big thing they plan together. Many times, throughout this process there are many arguments that happen. This give them the opportunity to learn more about one another and how they will handle arguments. Are they going to compromise, or does one person always get their way? Is the bride including the groom in the plans and making him aware of things? These are things they learn about each other that are going to continue in their marriage. There can be red flags even throughout the engagement. The bride should be including the groom in the wedding plans. They should choose details together and agree on everything. It is a big day for both, not just the bride. They should practice being goal-oriented partners rather than time-killers together throughout their engagement and hopefully before then.

What are some adjustments the couple must make within the first year of marriage?

                There are many adjustments that must be made in a marriage that most people don’t think about. Many people think that things will be perfect after marriage and everything will fall into place. Some of these adjustments can be difficult and take time. Some adjustments that must be made are: responsibilities/chores, schedules, eating habits, setting up a house, changing boundaries and friends, combining bank accounts/finances, traditions, and splitting time between families for holidays.

Responsibilities and Chores

                The responsibilities you have while living on your own are much different than the responsibilities you will have after being married. Responsibilities should be split between the couple. However, they should help each other out and be there to support one another. They will be divided differently depending on the couple. More responsibilities are added as well. You will also be responsible for one another. For their safety and protection. A couple should protect one another and watch out for the other. They should be a safe place for each other to fall back on and caring for another person is a big and important responsibility.

Schedules

                Schedules can be difficult to adjust to sometimes. When being on our own, we can do anything we want at any time we want. Marriage is different. You must be aware of the other’s schedule and find time for each other. One person may be a night owl while the other is a morning person. It is important to be respectful of the other person’s schedule and how they do things, but there must be time that is made to spend quality time together.

Changing boundaries and friend groups

                Changing boundaries are so important for a marriage. Each individual in the relationship should build a stricter boundary with each of their families and a more open boundary with their partner. The couple should remember that when something happens, their spouse should be the first to know about it, not their parents. They should trust each other and not let their families violate their marriage.

Combining Finances and bank accounts

                This is a huge adjustment for many people. A couple must be willing to put everything they have together to make a life together. You become aware of how they spend their money and how good they are with money. This is often a big conflict in a relationship. The couple should compromise their money usage but be wise with their money. Some people like to spend money on toys, while other people like to save. Some may feel it is important to eat healthy which can be more expensive and the other may like to save and eat cheap. Both eating healthy and saving are good ways to use money, so the couple must find a balance and a way to compromise.

Traditions and holidays

                The two people in the marriage come into it with different traditions. The couple must find a way to make their own traditions by combining their previous traditions and possibly taking some out. This happens especially when starting a family with children. Traditions are fun and important but be aware of what is most important to the partner and be sure to allow them to keep traditions they feel are important to them. A couple must also figure out how to split holidays between families or if they will do their own holiday alone.

Preparing for Marriage

                There are a few steps in preparation for marriage. They are: dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage.

 What is the difference between dating and courtship?

Often, today, we think of dating and courtship as the same thing. In fact, we use the word dating to replace courtship. When we tell friends and family we are dating, they think that we are dating one person steadily, with the intention of marriage. In other words, they think we are courting that person. Courtship is rarely used to describe a relationship anymore.

The true meaning of dating is going on a planned activity with a certain person to get to know them better. There should be no commitment on dates. A person should go on multiple dates with different people to get to know different people with different qualities. Dates give a person the opportunity to understand what characteristics and qualities are compatible with their own and that they like in the opposite gender. Some people also get dating and hanging out mixed up. Dating a lot more effective than hanging out. To make something a date, it needs to be Planned, paid for, and Paired off. This prepares men to Preside, Protect and Provide in a marriage.

If roles of a husband or wife are not being practiced throughout the dating experience, then how do we expect marriage to work when we’ve been practicing just being around each other? What we do while dating, courting and throughout engagement will be what happens through marriage. Therefore, dating is more effective. Men get the opportunity to practice providing by paying for the date, protecting by being paired off and needing to watch out for his partner, and presiding by planning the date. If two people choose to hang out all the time, there is no structure to it. It is very casual. They are not practicing anything except for being around each other. That is not what marriage is, and the marriage frequently does not work out when the couple chose to hang out instead of going on dates.

Only date exclusively when ready to marry. This will lead into courtship. This is when two people have the intention to marry and are more committed to each other. This is the time that a couple takes to get to know each other well and build trust in each other. It is very important that we are careful to decide who we court.

An engagement should be a time to get to know each other even better. Engagement is for togetherness, time and talk. You should already know a person well before getting engaged because now you have a higher commitment level to them. They should make time to be together and talk about things.

It is often that people slide into the different levels of the relationship. Many people don’t even know what stage they are really in because they aren’t stepping into new levels and officially talking about it. It’s more of a slide, which many times makes the process a lot quicker.

The RAM (Relationship Attachment Model) explains what should be happening throughout a relationship. From left to right, the model has: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. Everything to the left should be at a higher level. We should know someone more than we trust them. We should trust someone more than we rely on them. We should rely on someone more than we are committed to them and be committed to them more than we touch them.

The first dates we barely know the person, yet we feel that we know them well. It takes a long time to really know someone, yet people make their relationship “official” after only the first few dates. They trust the other more than they know them and do the opposite of what the RAM model says is most effective. Many people have high levels of touching, such as kissing and hand holding before they even know a person. This leads to dangerous outcomes many times.

We would not be willing to hand our car keys or credit card to someone we don’t know well, yet we are willing to hand our hearts over to someone we know very little about. It is so important that we are careful to evaluate how much we really know a person before giving them all our times and our hearts.