Family Counsel

Family counsel is an essential part in strengthening the communication between the family members. It is the best way to solve family issues without causing contention or arguments between people in the family. There are five things that M. Russell Ballard says in his talk “Strength in Counsel” that are important to focus on in family counsel.

                The first is focus on fundamentals. The fundamentals are: praying, reading the scriptures, preparing lessons for family home evening then making time for it, using the Spirit as your guide in your family’s decisions. It is important that the parents of the home are using appropriate curriculum to teach their children that is safe and not questionable. Using the words of the prophets and the scriptures is always a good way to teach the children. The world is filled with conflict and contention, so your home should be a safe place for your children to learn, grow and learn of the truth of the gospel which will bring peace and joy into the home.

                Second is to focus on people. Do not only focus your family counsel meetings on organizing everyone’s plans on the calendar. Focus the time on the members of the family. Family counsels should be a place where you can trust your family to keep what you will share to themselves and not share it with friends or other extended family members. You should be able to rely on family members and tell them things you might be struggling with. Talk to the individual members of the family and see what their needs are and what their struggles are.

                Third is to promote free and open expression. Every family member should be heard equally in a family counsel. The parents should not talk any more than the children talk. Nobody should talk over another member of the family. When someone else is talking and expressing their opinions, the other members of the family should be listening to them. Every opinion should be heard, valued and considered. It is important to make enough time for a family counsel meeting to be able to do this. There should be enough time to organize schedules, talk about individual needs, what could improve in the home, and issues the family is dealing with together.

The fourth says that participation is a privilege. Each family member should go into the family counsel meeting prepared to discuss their needs and concerns. Every decision made in the family should be made together. Everyone should agree on the decision and how it will affect the family. Everyone should feel important and like they have been heard and that their concerns are valid to the other members of the family.

The fifth is to lead with love. Family counsel should not create any contention between the people in the family. It should be filled with love and concern for one another. There shouldn’t be arguing, there should be talking calmly to one another to figure things out and solve family issues. Nobody should tell another that they are wiser and older, so they should make the decision. Every person’s individual opinion should be heard and thought about and discussed. Family counsel meetings should not be a time to dread attending but enjoy going to and feeling the love between your family members. It should be a time of feeling love and concern for your parents, siblings and children.

Family counsel is a great way to strengthen a family and help them make wise decisions that everyone can be a part of. They create love, unity and trust within the family. It is important to let the Lord lead the meetings. Prayer should play a big role in making family decisions. Counsel with each other but make sure the family is also counseling with the Lord because he wants the family to succeed and will always know what is best for the family.

Coping With Family Stress and Crisis

There is a difference between stress and distress. Stress creates pressure and can be good. Stress can motivate a person to get things done and become better and feel accomplished. Distress creates pain. There is so much stress that it puts you in to distress and is a big burden for you and those around you. The human body is made to deal with stress. In the brain, there is a limbic system. It recognizes when there is a threat or danger and puts your body into auto pilot, fight or flight. It is a very emotional part of your brain and once your brain is in this stage, it shuts down the frontal lobe which is the creative, problem solving part of the brain. This can be good in some situations because if you are in danger, you don’t need to be thinking about what you’re going to do on vacation. However, if you are in distress, your brain switches to the limbic system which shuts off problem solving. Therefore, it is so important to redefine stress, so you don’t get into distress.

                We can be in charge of our brain. We can tell our brain what to do. There is no action that didn’t first start with a thought. If we choose to have positive thoughts, our brain will have positive actions. Instead of thinking of stress as the worst thing that could ever happen to us, we can think of it positively in a way where we know it motivates us to get things done. There is something called the ABCX model. A is the actual event which is the stressor. B is both the resources and responses. This is the management of the stress. Resources could include the church, family, money, insurance, etc. C is the cognitive or the family’s definition of the even. X is the experience or the crisis. There is a difference between a stressor and a crisis. With a stressor, the family dynamic may change, but it will return to the original dynamic after the stressor is gone. In a crisis, the family dynamic will change and many times it never returns to the original. However, with either a stressor or a crisis, we can choose how to view it.

                When there is a stressor or crisis, but mostly with a crisis there is denial. We many times deny that anything is changing or happening. However, if we want to deal with the crisis in a healthy way, it is important to recognize that there is a problem. That is the first step in any situation. Recognize that something is wrong because if you don’t think there is a problem, there is not going to be any action to fix it. Next is avoidance. Admitting is not going to be enough to start a healing process in a crisis. A short-term avoidance can be a good thing at times. It can help people to think about what is going on and help them collect resources they need before having to deal with the problem. However, long-term avoidance will not be good. It can create more problems than the one you already are refusing to deal with. Scapegoating is another problem when people try to deal with problems. Although it is a step above denial, it is still a very unhealthy approach in dealing with a family crisis. Scapegoating is when the person dealing with a crisis look for someone to blame. Instead of always blaming others for what happened, you could be a lot more effective in looking at yourself to see what you could do better to deal with the problem. When in a crisis, it can be very helpful to re-frame or redefine the problem. This means changing the way you are looking at the situation.

                When bad things happen to us or our family, it can suck. However, it is our choice to be viewing it that way and that is not healthy or effective. We can choose to have a positive outlook and see how things could get better. We can use our resources effectively to help the situation become better. It is as simple as becoming aware of our emotions. Once we become aware of them, we can write them down and choose a way to become more positive. If we tell ourselves positive things instead of only looking at the negatives of the situation, we can deal with the crisis much better.

Sexual Intimacy

Trust and loyalty are essential in a marriage. It is so important to create strong boundaries once you are marriage between families, friends, and co-workers. When married, there should not even be an appearance of infidelity. Even if there are no ill intentions behind being with people of the opposite gender, if you feel people are giving you a second look because you are with someone, you should not be with them. The moment you get married, all your friendships with the opposite gender should be broken off. There should not be lunch outings with the opposite sex who isn’t your spouse after you are married. If your spouse doesn’t feel something is right, then it is not right. If your spouse says that you are spending too much time with your opposite gender then, even if you love your spouse with your whole heart and have no feelings towards this other person, you are spending too much time with them. If it makes your spouse feel uncomfortable, then it should feel wrong to you and you should do your best to change that habit. You should never visit someone of the opposite gender by yourself. You should always take your spouse with you. Make it known by everyone that you love your spouse and that you are faithful to them and always will be. This helps to avoid affairs and helps to stay loyal to your spouse.

                Sexual Intimacy is a topic that is avoided by many people, but it is important to be aware of because it has a significant role in a marriage. This builds more trust in a relationship and trust is a crucial thing to have in a marriage. It is special to save yourself for one person who you truly love. It will create a special bond in the marriage. Sexual Intimacy means trusting someone else with your body which is a sacred and precious act. It is so important to make children aware of sex at a young age. We, as adults, should talk to our children about it and inform them of how special and sacred it is. We should also inform them about the safety precautions they should take and help them be aware of the dangers of things that can happen if they become sexually active.

                It is important to be open in talking to your children about this topic so that they will be willing to come to you when they have questions or become curious. They should feel safe and okay talking to you about things they have done or their curiosities with this topic. It is important to know who else is teaching them about the topic, so we can know where else they are getting information and what kind of standards the people teaching them hold. We should make sure that they are getting correct information from other people and clarify with them when we know they may be learning other things from other people.

                Sexual Intimacy is not just about sex. It includes hugging, hand holding, and kissing as well. It means letting a person into your personal space. You are letting yourself be vulnerable with them and are trusting the other person with you and trusting that they won’t take advantage of that. It is important to know each other’s intentions with this. Women want to feel close and warm with the man first, then will do it because she feels a warmth in the relationship. Men do it to feel warm and close. These are different, so it is important to know that, so it does not create contention and know that it is natural for the other to be that way. Sexual intimacy can create a lot of communication, knowledge, love, and openness in a relationship.  Therefore, physical intimacy has the potential to build a lot of trust if we don’t abuse it.

Adjustments from Engagement to Marriage

What are the tasks in an engagement?

                The time between engagement and the wedding day is very important to a relationship. This is the time in which a couple plans a wedding/reception, gets a marriage license, and plans a marriage. These things are important, not only for the wedding day, but for the rest of their lives. When a couple is planning their wedding and reception while engaged, it is most likely going to be the first big thing they plan together. Many times, throughout this process there are many arguments that happen. This give them the opportunity to learn more about one another and how they will handle arguments. Are they going to compromise, or does one person always get their way? Is the bride including the groom in the plans and making him aware of things? These are things they learn about each other that are going to continue in their marriage. There can be red flags even throughout the engagement. The bride should be including the groom in the wedding plans. They should choose details together and agree on everything. It is a big day for both, not just the bride. They should practice being goal-oriented partners rather than time-killers together throughout their engagement and hopefully before then.

What are some adjustments the couple must make within the first year of marriage?

                There are many adjustments that must be made in a marriage that most people don’t think about. Many people think that things will be perfect after marriage and everything will fall into place. Some of these adjustments can be difficult and take time. Some adjustments that must be made are: responsibilities/chores, schedules, eating habits, setting up a house, changing boundaries and friends, combining bank accounts/finances, traditions, and splitting time between families for holidays.

Responsibilities and Chores

                The responsibilities you have while living on your own are much different than the responsibilities you will have after being married. Responsibilities should be split between the couple. However, they should help each other out and be there to support one another. They will be divided differently depending on the couple. More responsibilities are added as well. You will also be responsible for one another. For their safety and protection. A couple should protect one another and watch out for the other. They should be a safe place for each other to fall back on and caring for another person is a big and important responsibility.

Schedules

                Schedules can be difficult to adjust to sometimes. When being on our own, we can do anything we want at any time we want. Marriage is different. You must be aware of the other’s schedule and find time for each other. One person may be a night owl while the other is a morning person. It is important to be respectful of the other person’s schedule and how they do things, but there must be time that is made to spend quality time together.

Changing boundaries and friend groups

                Changing boundaries are so important for a marriage. Each individual in the relationship should build a stricter boundary with each of their families and a more open boundary with their partner. The couple should remember that when something happens, their spouse should be the first to know about it, not their parents. They should trust each other and not let their families violate their marriage.

Combining Finances and bank accounts

                This is a huge adjustment for many people. A couple must be willing to put everything they have together to make a life together. You become aware of how they spend their money and how good they are with money. This is often a big conflict in a relationship. The couple should compromise their money usage but be wise with their money. Some people like to spend money on toys, while other people like to save. Some may feel it is important to eat healthy which can be more expensive and the other may like to save and eat cheap. Both eating healthy and saving are good ways to use money, so the couple must find a balance and a way to compromise.

Traditions and holidays

                The two people in the marriage come into it with different traditions. The couple must find a way to make their own traditions by combining their previous traditions and possibly taking some out. This happens especially when starting a family with children. Traditions are fun and important but be aware of what is most important to the partner and be sure to allow them to keep traditions they feel are important to them. A couple must also figure out how to split holidays between families or if they will do their own holiday alone.